Recap

So that wasn’t so bad at all!

I spent the day in the wrong place and I made the same mistake twice in a row but all in all it was a pretty good day. The best part was finding out I’d get an SSN tomorrow. Here’s to finally being able to prescribe and be paid!

First day

Tomorrow is my first day as a resident. Orientation finished last Friday.

I’m nervous and feeling like a big odd ball of emotions: relief, terror, gratitude, awe, and incompetence are the first few that come to mind. How do people ever become “real” doctors, anyway? In med school, being a “real” doctor meant being an MD. Now it feels like you should know what you’re doing before you can call yourself that. When I see “Physician” on my nametag, or hear people refer to me as doctor, I want to correct them, “Oh, but I’m not a REAL doctor yet.” I hope I don’t cry when I see my first patient, haha  

Really though, I’m so happy in my program so far. I was skeptical when I finished the interview day here, wondering if they were just saying all the right things to sell us the program. But I have a good feeling about it all. Their emphasis on communication, their attitude and approach, so patient-centered and wholly supportive of everyone. I was looking for a family-feeling, a new team, a new home, and I may have found it. I’m buying into it all and I feel the other interns are too.

Anyway I’m terrified, nbd. Wish me luck.

False start

I should have been on call tonight; almost 3 hours later, still not asleep.

I have a recurring memory that I haven’t thought of in years: the image of a curb, as seen from my old family van. It was my first day of high school and my mom was dropping my brother and I off. I had so many questions for him in the days leading up. All of them were variants of “will I make friends?” When we pulled up to the school I was suddenly overwhelmed with embarrassment and fear. I watched the van door open and I stared at the curb, frozen. Like a skydiver hesitating at the last moment. The van was safe with its tinted windows and I couldn’t let myself out to be exposed. In seconds, my brother behind me asked ,”what are you waiting for?” in an exasperated tone and I had to get out. I couldn’t believe it. I was in high school.

C’mon sleep. Go away brain.